Cuts to the RED Scout evading the BLU Heavy in Granary
Heavy: You stupid Scout!
Scout: Oh, whatsamatta? You're too fat to catch up to me? (laughs)
Cuts to the barrel of the Soldier's Rocket Launcher as he fires a rocket. Transitions to slo-mo; the camera pans over to the rocket and continues viewing it as it gets launched towards the Scout
The rocket successfully hits the Scout, instantly gibbing him
Heavy: (catches up and ceases running) что случилось?
Camera zooms out, viewing the Soldier by his legs
Soldier: Cuh-rit!
Heavy: большое спасибо! Thank you, Soldier!
Cuts to the Soldier
Soldier: (laughs to himself) Mission accomplished! (salutes)
Two hours later
Soldier: (reading a magazine and discovers an ad for the Direct Hit) Huh?
Cuts to a close-up of the advertisement itself, then back to the Soldier
Soldier: (grins, then whistles) Now that's a beauty.
One week later
The nine mercenaries for the BLU team spawn in the resupply rooms in Watchtower, with Soldier sitting on a bench
Administrator: (over intercom) Mission begins in 60 seconds.
Scout: Oh, come on, can you speed it up? My bat's itchin' to bonk someone on their friggin' noggin!
Administrator: (sighs) Fine. Mission begins now. Go! Go! Go!
The mercenaries run off into battle, with the Soldier still resting on the bench
Scout: (returns to the resupply room) Hey, Soldier, what the hell? Go! Go! Go!
Soldier: Well, ya see, cadet. I'm waiting for a special delivery.
Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, I'm not surprised.
Soldier: Shut up, maggot. Just wait and see what a skilled soldier like me has in stock.
Scout: Oh... whatever. There's no doubt you're not even gonna use it, anyways. Also, I don't any friggin' delivery truck's gonna come as of this point, considering that we're surrounded by some rock barrier.
Soldier: Eh, you're right...
Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, was I right or was I right, dumbass?
Soldier: ...because it's being shipped by chopper!
Scout: Wait, wha?
A helicopter sound is heard from outside
Cuts to the battlefield. The RED and BLU mercenaries hear the helicopter sound, which gets their attention
Heavy: What is helicopter doing here?
The helicopter reveals a wooden crate labeled "Mann Co." from below, then drops it
Cuts to the RED Scout and BLU Spy
Scout: (knocks down the Spy with his Bat) If ya ever think about goin' near my ma again, I'll-
Spy: Look above you.
Scout: What?
He looks above and screams as the Mann Co. Supply Crate drops on him, killing him
Spy: Here lies Scout. He ran fast and died a virgin! (laughs)
Cuts back to the BLU team's resupply room
Scout: Uh...
Soldier: (laughs) Told ya, maggot! In your face!
Scout: Shut up, be glad I didn't massacre the crap out of ya.
The Soldier runs outside the resupply room and over to the Mann Co. Supply Crate
Soldier: (laughs) Oh, it's here. It's finally here!
Spy: Um... what is that?
Soldier: Only the best thing I ever ordered...
Pause
Soldier: Um... where's the damn key?
A key for the Mann Co. Supply Crate is dropped from the helicopter
Soldier: Thank god.
He unlocks the crate, causing it to open up as the sides of the crate fall apart
The item from the crate glows brightly
Soldier: (gasps)
Cuts to BLU Medic and Sniper
Medic: (his backpack uses a Kritzkrieg) Aah, my eyes! Zey burn!
Sniper: (while carrying the Hitman's Heatmaker) Don't be foolin' around, doc. I've seen even brighter things that can hurt you, like the sun.
Medic: Vell, who would even be enough of a dummkopf to do somesing shtupid like zat?
Demoman: (offscreen) Aye, Dell! Doesn't the sun look so beautiful?
Engineer: Now, Tavish, I don't think you should-
Demoman: (gets blinded) My eyes!
Engineer: Um, you only have one eye, ya know.
Medic: (facepalm) Schweinhund.
Sniper: (headshake) Wanker.
Back to the Soldier and his crazy obsession over the weapon from the Mann Co. Supply Crate
The weapon from inside stops glowing, revealing to be the Direct Hit
Soldier: (gasps) Oh, man, I can't believe it! It's what I hoped for! Er, I mean... (clears throat) the weapon I was desiring for... now delivered with no repercussions.
Spy: Um, ce que l'enfer is that?
Soldier: Only the best weapon ever.
Spy: Well, tell me what it's called.
Soldier: The Direct Hit. This beauty's rockets are even more powerful and they trail at an approximate rate of 80% faster. Plus, shooting this at someone airborne from an explosion will massacre them instantly.
Spy: Those seem like some good aspects, but do you even know any of the downsides?
Soldier: I doubt this thing even has any. Maybe I'll just go through a simple test run with it first.
He picks up the Direct Hit and tries picking a target. He then spots a RED Pyro and decides to fire a rocket at it
Soldier: Gotcha, cupcake!